Domestic Violence

Domestic abuse comes in many forms. It may be a constant assault with hurtful words that cause the victim to cringe inside. It can be more specific threats against a person or someone or something close to them.. It may be battering with fists and even worse. The thing about domestic abuse is not the damage on the skin but the damage of the heart and the soul. The very one causing the damage is a loved one. A spouse, a parent is an object of love and to have the one you love inflicting hurt and pain is devastating. Either they are wrong or the victim is not worthy of better treatment. Domestic abuse is cyclic and it escalates over time.

Domestic abuse crosses all strata of our culture. Law enforcement agencies dread the calls because a domestic disturbance creates the most danger for responding officers. Medical professionals repair the damage from domestic violence and then send them back where they came from, helpless to make a difference in a more permanent way. Insurance companies pay more claims on families with domestic abuse and employers suffer with reduced productivity. Perhaps the most difficult of all, teachers deal with the children who are experiencing horrors at home. Children often lack the language or the comprehension to ask for help and end up acting out in innumerable ways. Teachers have to decipher what could really be going on. These children grow up to repeat the cycle like their parent’s parents before them.

Victims can be anyone… from a next door neighbor, to a male co-worker, to an elderly person being victimized by an unscrupulous caretaker. Children, however, are the most vulnerable victims. I keep remembering the children in Washington County whose parents used the family pit bulls to discipline them. They were covered in bites and lived in fear of getting in trouble again. Children have no voice and no ability to walk out, or access resources to help them change their situation. Children act out, often in terrible ways. They grow up with a warped perception of what home and love and marriage really is, never having experienced the best of it, doomed only to witness the cyclic rounds of abuse, remorse, honeymoon, tension and then abuse again.

I am reminded of a friend I grew up with named Rhonda. She was a real sweetheart, a natural nurturer. Rhonda married Steve at 19 and they had two little girls together. Steve was in the service and they moved around a lot… from California to the east coast, then Arkansas, and ultimately San Diego. It was a great way to keep her isolated and alone, far from family and friends. Steve was an abuser and a violent one at that, as his father was before him. He took out all of his frustration on his wife and he did it often. He was usually sorry after he hurt her and made grand promises that filled her with hope. But it never stopped him from doing it again the next time he felt angry. Whe he left her to go on the ship, he brought her gifts from exotic places including venereal disease. The few times she went to the doctor to treat injuries he had caused, she got punished when she went home. She used to hide in the closet and cry out for God to take her.. she did not want to live anymore. But God never did. She stepped in front of the kids when he started to attack them on many occasions. She felt like she was the protector of the children, by continuing to yield to his beatings.

My friend is permanently scarred. I am not talking about the bruises under the skin hidden under her clothing.. that will never go away. When surgeons opened her up to do some repair work, they broke down and cried and went looking for the person who caused the mutilation they found. (Of course, he was nowhere to be found). But I am talking about the scars on her heart and her soul that keep her a prisoner long after the marriage is over. She needed safety plans at work to protect her should he appear unexpectedly. He lived several states away.. but he did show up and the safety plans worked several times. Her employer was Safeway.

The most important thing you need to know about Rhonda is that she and Steve were both born and raised in the Church of Christ. They attended church every single Sunday. I am not throwing arrows that the Church of Christ. They could have been any other denomination. She went to trusted leaders and tried to explain, to beg for help on several occasions. But those she talked to simply did not grasp what she was saying. Her ability to reach out diminished over time. A woman being abused becomes smaller and smaller, her voice and demeanor and esteem, weaker and weaker. Those she spoke to had no ability to hear or comprehend the horrors that she was trying to describe.

What is the solution to all of this? I have none. Bigger minds than mine have wrestled with these problems. Professionals devote time and energy and heart and tears in solving these situations. But I do know what can help.

We must get to know folks. “Hi. How are you” and “I’m fine” on Sunday morning isn’t enough. Waving to your neighbors from the mailbox is not enough. We do a big disservice to ourselves by investing in hobbies and sports and musical concerts and not in each other. We need to touch folks, and listen to folks, find out who they are and what they love and what they hate, what rings their bell and what makes them sad. We can never be Jesus to the world by pursuing our own desires. We have to be like Him and invest in others, just like He did.

If someone you know is involved in domestic abuse, know that you cannot fix them. You can’t tell them what to do and expect them to do it. If they leave their abuser you have to be prepared to watch them turn right around and go back again. It is all they know and many times it is so much easier to accept what you know, even if it is really bad than to step out into the unknown, alone, without the hope and the love and support of the person they love (yes, that would be the abuser!).

The things you CAN do are small but not easy. You can pray for them. We love a Father who loves us perfectly. We may not know the right way to go and the best thing to say to someone who is struggling but our Father does know. He loves his children and will be there. Just ask.

You can listen to your friend. They need to talk, to share. Secrets are the enemy. When they have to keep it bottled up and not tell anyone, they are enabling that abuser to keep up his cycle. In sharing they begin to let go. By listening you can help them discern what is OK behavior and what is not. A victim will need a long time before they can really have a feeling for proper behavior. But your listening gives them a lifeline that they need.

Encourage them to get help. Ministers and psychologist all can be useful in helping a person explore the whole black hole of acceptable behavior. But those trained specially to work with victims of domestic abuse are so much more equipped to understand the unique patterns and the issues that these women and children face. If the victim just leaves without the healing, they may be safe, but the scars will prevent them from living.

We, as a people need to practice touching. It is way outside of comfort zones. Sometimes those needing us are not cultured, and interesting, and up on current affairs. They have fewer professional interests and goals and may not like sports or they may not be comfortable visiting casually over a cup of coffee. It is because they are scared half the time and trying to lay low the rest of the time. But Jesus came for those that were cast away from society. He tolerated the woman washing his feet with her tears. He had time for the woman at the well and He interceded for the woman who was about to be stoned. Clearly, these were sinful people that others avoided with disdain. But, not our Lord. That is who he sought out. We must be like Him. We must seek out these people and touch them the way our Lord touched them. Often when you step up to walk a journey with someone, you take some risks. But, not stepping up puts us in eternal danger.