Ok.. this is day one of NaNo-WriMo (http://www.nanowrimo.org/) and I should do some research on the internet but I am not writing a novel. I am writing... period. That is the goal and in this case goals are good. And that will be my first topic... GOALS.
Why is there such a disparity between who I am and who I want to be, what I want and what I do, where I'd like to be and where I am? At 55 years old you would think that two opposites would not be so far apart. That they would become more congruent as I got older. Am I still reaching out and wanting more for myself and my life at a time when I am supposed to grow old gracefully? Quietly accept what is and what will be and stop wanting and expecting and hoping for things that have not appeared?
I do know that there have been times in my life that I have been way more able to have the control and discipline to work hard and make things happen for myself. Training for the marathon was one. And I was always training for something. Running was a part of each day whether I ran or not. One day I ran and the next day I recovered. There was a race every month and the large events in the fall... Hood To Coast and the Portland Marathon and don't forget the Cycle Oregon events that kept me pushing and forcing myself out of bed and onto the pavement in one way or another. One by one I seem to have given up those large events and the small ones seemed meaningless and have clearly disappeared from my radar. Add to the mix the deterioration of my aging body, arthritis and the struggles with my knee and I am one falling apart mess.
The doctor tells me exercise is critical to my overall health and I am trying but without that drive of my youth, it is hard to keep at it. And it is not just age that has sabotaged my ability to exercise but a shift in priorities. Honduras happened and changed everything to me. I woke up realizing that it was not all about me and fixing me and changing me and making me perfect and making me happy. There was a world of people out there without the privileges and opportunities and heck... even without the basic human needs in their lives and that somehow for my life to have meaning ... it was not going to be by running but by figuring out how to find ways to reach out and to show compassion and feel a true connection to those born without all that I have been given. So my energy and my heart has been hopelessly sucked into a place that can never be effective or even make a difference. Yet I feel compelled to keep on trying to find ways to make that difference.
Much of what drove me in those years of running so hard and so "religiously" was my deep feelings of inadequacy, coping with rejection, feeling hopeless and powerless. Those feelings have truly been replaced with a deep contentment. Somewhere along the line I became a child of a loving Father. Now I was always that. But I did not know it and on occasion begged for it but now I feel it. That alone is totally life changing. No longer do I look to my fellow human travelers for the salve for all my tortured pain that life had brought to me, although I know that my Father has used the hands and hearts of His people to touch me. Because I know that I have experienced the Father's love in my life and all the baggage of pain that I continually carried was no longer my burden. There is literally nothing to run from.
Ok.. but now I need exercize, still. How do I get myself out there? I have changed from an evening person to a morning person. Yet being out, early, in the dark, in the cold, has been very difficult. I have warm clothing. I do enjoy watching the sun rise each morning. The sky is painted a zillion colors as are the trees as fall sweeps thru and each tree is affected in its own time. I love hearing the call of the birds as they wake and even the smells as I walk by houses waking up for coffee and breakfast.
Exercize and eating right are my biggest burdens right now. They are like Paul's reference somewhere in the bible that I know what is right and I still do something else. I constantly seek the pleasure of foods and company and then do not eat the way I need to. Once I lost a bunch of weight.. the pounds that have come back are way more noticable than the pounds that I lost. Taking care of myself is wayyyy important. And they are going to be part of this whole goal thing. Focus and recognize the priorities. I am not going to hurt myself by missing a few meals. Let me work harder to seek what I could do for someone else rather than hunting for the next good thing for myself.
Lastly there is an internal part of me. I am constantly aware of my failures and I am so guilty of big ones. They are clouds that are over my head and follow me. And while I know I am forgiven I see the path behind me strewn with the damage of my choices and my actions .. an ex-husband who has never changed, children who were raised without knowing about a Father who is something other than the one they see. There are co-workers I have met that never knew that I was a Christian. There are people I could have touched and spoken to and did not. My life is one of desire and the dreaded "FAILURE TO FOLLOW THROUGH". It is time I beat that down and step up with the bravery and courage that I am entitled to as a believer with the spirit of God living in me!!!
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