Lull

It seems that it has been awhile since I posted last. That could mean that I am really busy. Which is kind of true. I went on vacation... to sunny Arizona to see my parents. But then I came home and cleaned closets for five days. Lets face it... cleaning closets is not that exciting. But I clearly needed to do it. There is lots of writing for me to do. I have a novel to edit..... so when? When I was writing the novel there was a deadline. Now there is no deadline. I will have to work on it.

But I think the reason why I have been silent is not that I have been overwhelmingly busy or that I am avoiding my computer because it is calling out to me to edit the novel. Or that I have been buried in a good book or 4 or 9. I read Twilight and all the sequels and I doubt very seriously that there will be another great read like that to come along for a long time. I read the nine installments of the First Ladies Detective Agency, which was not passionate like Twilight but certainly great entertainment. No I am now reading some book about a detective that crochets and calls herself a "happy hooker".

The reason I have not posted is that I think I am pondering some changes... I am thinking about my life and who I am and how I interact with the world and the people around me. I am recognizing that the good health and the years and the energy and the muscles and the passion that I have enjoyed in my life are finite and no longer limitless resources. The opportunities for making a change, for doing something that matters are diminishing and I am recognizing that perhaps I am not looking at things correctly. Some days it seems I just focus on the regrets, my weaknesses, my fears. And yet, that is not what my life has been.

One of the things I have thought of is that it seems you work your whole life to acquire the symbols of success --- nice house, some toys, retirement plan, car, vacations,.... and then you realize that you cannot take these things with you. Those are not the symbols of success. It is my children, the love and sense of family that we have, the joy we have in being together.

I look around and see myself surrounded by junk. Stuff. Garbage. Excess. Ignored crap. I do not begrudge the things I have that I see, use, enjoy. It is all the masive amount of stuff that just sits there in closets and the garage, and the attic and on shelves and cubbyholes that I am saving for _______. It is stuff that no one uses and has no reason for being in my house except that I was hoping to take up new pasttimes when I retire or I keep thinking that when I am done with work for the evening I could start doing these new things. But the fact is that as I get older, I find that I am tired at night. End of story. New stuff to do is NOT what I need. So I keep going thru the house and taking loads to Goodwill. And I sincerely hope that I am taking more stuff out than what I bring in.

My job is killing me. Stress, high blood pressure, high sugar in my blood. And I can point at all these things and recognize that they are bad. But what is bad is my priorities. My job should not be the priority. My family, my health, my spiritual life... THOSE ARE THE PRIORITIES. I have to learn to live differently and can that be done at this age?


There is more to it than the stuff. And I am unsure of how to talk about these things. What I am looking at is change - changing me and how I look at the world around me and how I deal with it. Can I? I like the mantra .. YES I CAN. But it is all about teaching an old dog new tricks. Maybe. DKU