This is a hard one. My Aunt Brenda was tough and fragile all at the same time. She was short and in a world that valued straight lines, she was, well, made up of curves. She was only 5-6 years older than I. But life had been hard for her ... you might say she made it that way... but regardless.... her life aged her far beyond her years.
She was next to the last daughter in a family with a six pack. There are 15 years difference between she and my Mom. As little Brenda was a child trying to make sure she got her share of attention, my Mom was trying to plot out her escape. When my Mom had her children, Brenda was still looking for the attention she craved and not too long after, had a little brother in her own house to compete with, too.
She came to San Jose from Oregon when she graduated high school like all the aunts before her. It seemed to my teenage eyes that she married the first one to ask her, his name was Bob. Bob worked at a gas station, owned by the father of one of my classmates. He was also quite a bit older than she... maybe 10 years... maybe more. Diane and I were candle lighters or some such thing at the wedding.
I don't remember lots of things in their few years of marriage, I remember that we messed up their apartment. Some people mess with the newlywed cars. We went over and messed up their apartment.... you know spaghetti noodles in the bed, that sort of thing. In retrospect that was probably a poor idea. Brenda had a hard time with cleaning... could leave dishes in the sink for a week.. and so they came home from their honeymoon in the middle of the night to a mess and it did not go over well. I believe we also got to be on the cleaning crew.
The other thing I remember is Brenda cooking spaghetti. She could cook and cook well and cook well for a large number of people. If any place was my aunt's element it was cooking for a group. She never even broke a sweat.
Brenda and Bob had 2 of the most beautiful boys you could imagine. Both had big beautiful eyes and were just full of love and wonder. If God had given me brothers, Todd and Richie were them. We took care of them, fed them, loved them for weeks at a time when Brenda was unable to care for them. It was a blessing in our house and the only hard part was the fact that we always had to give them back. But we had them alot of the time and so we cherished that time with them.
As the years flew by in San Jose and then later Oregon, Brenda and Bob divorced and Brenda struggled making ends meet. She always looked for the right guy and may have almost found him a time or two but that old life got in the way. She became very adept at navigating the welfare system and I don't know if she was content with that or not but it was where she seemed to stay.
After her boys were grown, Brenda met Carl. Carl was a crusty old guy. He was small in stature but he had quite a bark. One would not automatically know how to take him. But I learned if he griped on you, he liked you and I counted myself one of those people he liked to torment. He probably had a fine life in Forest Grove BB (before Brenda) but she was ready for someone like Carl... who was loyal and stable and smart and he was probably ready for some of the warmth and good cooking that Brenda offered. I am not saying that is all that was between them. I am just saying that God had given each enough experiences to recognize a blessing when it was given to them.
One year we had a Thanksgiving Dinner Reunion together. It was awesome and the most amazing part is that it was not even really Thanksgiving and may have even happened in October. My Mom came and Herb and Sharon, and all his girls and his grandchildren, Barb & Lyle came and all the kids and grandkids, Todd and his child and Rich both came. I believe it was the last family function that Darrell and I attended together. (Bill the youngest sibling and his family did not attend... and in fact as owner of his cleaning business, he drove by our "event" at least twice during the evening we were gathering... he later made himself available but some of us were not able to see him.) Of course Grandma Coker presided over the day as queen. She was doted on and loved and had the entire family around her except for Bill. The food was incredible. I believe that Rich and Brenda must have cooked for days. The tables were set, everyone was dressed in their nicest clothing. Our family.. Rachael and Stephanie hand colored orange napkins for the event. It was a day of togetherness and sharing. We had so few together .. this one we will remember as one of the best.
A day or so later we went to the beach.. all of us together. I just remember Grandma and Brenda pushing her in her wheelchair and taking care of her. They had an odd way of communicating.... almost like Brenda was the Mom and Grandma was the child. Maybe that is the way life goes. One of my most favorite memories of Grandma Coker happened that day.. but then that should be in her page.
Carl and Brenda moved to Crooked River.. .it took all their resources and a loan or two.. to get that mobile home all the way to Redmond. It was a heck of a financial feat. They bought a lot on the "ranch" and began working. These two worked their fingers to the bone on that place, investing heart and soul. They carried plants from Granny's place in Forest Grove and they bought all sorts of things to put into the yard. Carl worked at the golf course doing maintenance work. I still have a gallon of balls that he scavanged. Brenda was the homemaker and she slaved in teh yard. I think of all the years I knew her, this was the place she was mostly at peace. This was the time she came closest to fitting in and being normal. At one time, Carl had found a gigantic horse... maybe plastic and it was real-sized and it was in their yard. It was tacky beyond but it also just fit there so well.
Then Carl found out he had cancer and decided that he would choose how to die. He shot himself in the shower of their mobile home. It was a tough place for Brenda to try to continue living. I think of all the years, and all the history, and all the effort and all the desire and sometimes you still cannot make a difference. Brenda must have felt that way about Carl. She thought they were breaking up. He was just leaving by another door. Staying behind was tough. Brenda liked having someone to love her. Alone in a couples world is soooo cliché and yet so true. After spending time in Texas and watching my Aunt Caroline find the man of her dreams (Caroline's or Brenda's?)... Brenda took an overdose of sleeping pills, wrote a note, and ended her own life of torment.
Some of us are still a little confused by her. She left messes to clean up. She was not penniless and in fact had provided for her some of her grandchildren. She used her will to punish her boys ... They are good wonderful young men making their way in this world without the roadmap of a parent showing them the way. I think that if she were thinking better she would have been incredibly proud of the men they had become. Todd is a good father... he has had his troubles but he keeps at it. Rich, too, is a good father and an incredibly hard worker. They are both very wonderful men, the kind of men their Mom would have wanted in her life. In a way.. she ended up with everything she ever would have wanted. .... beautiful grandchildren, handsome hardworking sons, beautiful daughters-in-law, and a family still trying to make sense of her early exit. Depression ruins life... I just hope that peace is what she found. DKU
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